Gentle, Not Permissive Parenting

As a new mom and a practicing therapist working with parents and caregivers, I strive to stay informed about attachment-based parenting. The term "gentle parenting" has become a buzzword in parenting circles, often generating strong opinions. From what I've observed, people tend to fall into two groups: those who embrace gentle parenting and those who dismiss it as coddling or too soft, believing it leads to raising "snowflakes." However, when asked, many critics seem to have little concrete understanding of what gentle parenting truly entails.

Gentle parenting can be interchangeable with terms like “conscious parenting” and my favorite, “respectful parenting”. At its core, gentle parenting promotes values that most parents aim to instill in their children- empathy and respect. Yet, despite these positive traits many people resist the idea of gentle parenting simply because of misconceptions that it is permissive and lacks boundaries.

Gentle parenting is an evidenced-based approach that is built on the foundation of understanding your child, empathizing with them, showing them respect, and setting consistent boundaries. It is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment, that helps create an environment where children feel safe to express themselves and learn from their experiences.

Now before you go up in arms about this idea of  “no punishment”, let me explain a little further. Gentle parenting utilizes positive discipline, which focuses on problem solving, setting clear boundaries, and helping children understand their behavior and their consequences. For example, if your child hits another child during a playdate, a gentle parenting response would involve calmly addressing the situation: “I see you’re really upset that he won’t give you that toy, but hitting is not okay.” This acknowledges and validates your child's emotions while setting a boundary. If the behavior continues a natural consequence may occur such as ending the play date. 

On the other hand, if we yell or punish the child, the child may feel unheard, and we missed an opportunity to teach them alternative ways to handle feelings of frustration and anger. Below include some of the benefits of gentle parenting. 

Benefits of Gentle Parenting

• Improved Parent-Child Relationship
  Gentle parenting strengthens the bond between parent and child by building a foundation of trust and open communication. Children feel heard, understood, and respected, which fosters a deeper sense of connection and security. When children trust that their emotions and needs will be met with empathy, they are more likely to engage cooperatively with their parents.

• Enhanced Emotional Intelligence
  By consistently acknowledging and validating a child's feelings, gentle parenting helps children develop emotional awareness. They learn to identify and name their emotions, which is the first step in emotional regulation. This equips children with the tools to process their feelings in a healthy manner, improving their ability to manage difficult situations and build resilience.

• Greater Cooperation and Self-Control
  Contrary to the misconception that gentle parenting leads to permissiveness, this approach teaches children to understand the impact of their actions and take responsibility. Positive discipline, with its emphasis on natural consequences and problem-solving, encourages children to develop self-control and accountability. Over time, children learn to cooperate not out of fear of punishment, but because they understand the reasons behind the boundaries set for them.

• Long-Term Behavioral Benefits
  Gentle parenting promotes long-term behavioral growth by teaching children the "why" behind rules and limits. This approach helps them internalize values like empathy, respect, and responsibility, leading to more consistent, positive behaviors as they grow. Children raised in a gentle parenting environment are more likely to develop strong moral compasses and become respectful, empathetic adults.

Gentle parenting is not about being permissive or letting children do whatever they want; it’s about creating a respectful and nurturing environment where children can learn from their mistakes, understand boundaries, and grow emotionally. It equips children with the tools they need to handle big emotions, solve problems, and navigate relationships with empathy and confidence. As parents, our role is to guide, teach, and model the behavior we hope to see in our children, all while maintaining a balance of love and firm boundaries.

So, the next time you hear someone dismiss gentle parenting as coddling or too soft, you’ll know it’s far from the truth. It’s an evidence-based approach that is about raising thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, and confident individuals—without sacrificing the boundaries they need to thrive.